Sunday was the day I said my final good-byes to my pregnancy.
Short Recap: I had my first ultrasound at ten weeks, and the machine showed our little baby was there, but he didn’t have a heart-beat. We were devastated. The baby had stopped growing at eight weeks, but there had been no sign of miscarriage. There hadn’t been a spot of blood blood, and my pregnancy symptoms were still going strong. But still, my baby was gone. I found out it’s called a missed miscarriage, and that I had two choices…to wait for my body to pass the baby on its own, or to have a D&C. I chose to wait.
From the day the baby stopped growing, it took four weeks for my body to expel everything. I started mildly bleeding on a Friday, and Sunday morning I began cramping very lightly. I had been told that miscarriage cramps feel a little worse than period cramps, so that’s what I was expecting.
Well, maybe it’s different with everyone, but my cramps got so bad I couldn’t talk through them. I literally felt like I was giving birth. There was also so much blood. It was not a fun experience. I was thinking to myself, “After all the emotional pain we’ve already gone through, why does it have to hurt like a bitch too!?” (I cuss in my mind. Sometimes out loud.) In all, the whole ordeal (from the first signs of blood to now) has lasted seven days, and the bleeding is still going strong. It is lighter though.
The miscarriage was hard, emotionally and physically. I never imagined the pain that miscarriage entailed…To all my friends who have miscarried in the past, I am so sorry. Now I understand. I am sorry if I said the wrong thing, or didn’t say enough.
I love the Lord with all my heart, and I trust that He has huge plans for each of our lives that span far larger than we can see. I believe that our recent miscarriage has a purpose, and that purpose will play out someday. Maybe we will never know “why” until we get to see the Lord face to face. Maybe we won’t care at that point. All I know is that I believe with everything in me that God will use bad things for good for those who love Him. So, here’s my bad, God, and I’m trusting you to turn it into good!
Wow! That speaks really loudly.
I don’t think anyone ever knows what miscarriage is like until they have experienced it for themselves. I’m sorry you’re miscarriage was so painful physically in addition to the emotional pain it caused.
I truly believe your baby is in heaven now though and that Jesus is cradling him/her in his arms.
Your trust in God in the face of adversity is admirable.
MW
Comment by militarywifey — July 4, 2008 @ 2:25 am
MDM, I’m sorry we went through the same. I wish no other woman had to go through what I am. It’s a difficult path to travel on, I hope we both have more happy times in the future. I wish I had your faith too.
H
xXx
http://happysadforever.blogspot.com/
Comment by Hannah — July 4, 2008 @ 7:39 am
You are in my thoughts. I am so sorry that you went through this pain. Unless someone has experienced this, they cannot possibly relate.
As I write this, I, too have miscarried. I found at 10.5 weeks - but the fetus had passed on at 9 weeks. I am waiting for a natural m/c, but don’t know how much longer to wait.
I hope that time will soften some of your sadness. May God bless you. Have faith in God, and in all the beauty and HOPE that life has to offer.
Comment by Embrace Sister — July 6, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
Hi MDM, just wondering how things are. How are you feeling today?
xXx
Comment by Hannah — July 7, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
Oh mama, I’m so sad to read this. Hugs and healing to you.
Comment by peculiaroldbird — July 17, 2008 @ 2:18 am
My heart is breaking for you! I lost my baby last Wednesday and I can honestly say that NOTHING has hurt this bad. I feel so empty. I hope that everything goes well for you. It is so hard, I am going through the same thing and I don’t know what to say.
Comment by Patti — July 22, 2008 @ 4:36 pm